By Pat Cutler

Cow tipping 101

Here in the South, it is not uncommon for a few of us boys to gas up the truck and head out to the closest farm for a little “cow tipping”. For those of you interested in giving it a try, here a few things you need to know. First thing is to bring the good truck (the one that doesn’t backfire and scare the cows). A lot of beer is required, preferably Pabst Blue Ribbon or my personal favorite, Rheingold Chug-a-mug. Wear boots (you never will get over stepping in a cow patty wearing a pair of Cole Hahn loafers) and bring a flashlight. You should wear all black in case you wake up the farmer. No sense in making it easy for him to put a load of buckshot in your backside. Once you arrive at the farm, crawl through the fence and head for the nearest cow. Do not pull on the cow’s tail to see if she is sleeping. Everyone will know you are not from around here. Shine the flashlight in the cow’s eyes. If nothing happens, you are good to go. Your buddies Billy Joe and Cooter will stand about 3 feet apart on the same side of the cow; place their hands high on the cow, and push. The old girl should tip right over. Watch out for flying hoofs! When she hits the ground, expect to hear a lot of grunting noises and laughing. Run like you stole something.

Note: Every Southerner knows you should not attempt to tip a bull. This could result in extreme injury or death. Bull tipping should only be done by the professionals on Wall Street.

It seems like every few weeks another $300 billion market I’ve never heard of has just collapsed. I open Business Week and read that home prices may decline another 25%. The feel good factor of ever increasing home prices has left the building. Tighter credit standards have resulted in 100 basis point increases on student loans and 28% credit card rates for individuals with less than stellar credit. There are so many foreclosures in certain areas of the country that potential buyers are literally shopping for deals by the busload. Perhaps worst of all, the Bear of Wall Street has been speared and is now a rug lying in front of JP Morgan’s fireplace.

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