Southern weddings tend to be large affairs. The guest list is huge and includes cousins, friends of cousins, cousins of cousins, all members of the bride’s church, and every former classmate of both the bride and groom from elementary school through college. The wedding party is almost as big. Armies of bridesmaids and groomsmen make their way down the aisle, the brightly colored dresses of the bridesmaids resembling a long line of Skittles.

The Mother of the Bride (MOB) starts planning the wedding as soon as she brings her daughter home from the hospital. The Mother of the Groom (MOG) begins planning the rehearsal party as soon as the first child of a friend gets married. As a new FOG (Father of the Groom) I had no idea that all the wedding details must be finalized within 30 days of the bride saying yes. When my son proposed to his lovely fiancé, my life changed immediately. I was bombarded with wedding questions at all hours of the day. I began whimpering every time the phone rang or my Blackberry chirped. I did not realize that the questions were merely rhetorical and a response from me was neither required nor appreciated. At first, the ladies were sweet and respectful when I spoke. After some ill advised humor on my part, sweetness left the building.

Since theme weddings are very popular in the South, I suggested getting married at halftime of the South Carolina-Georgia game with a tailgating party for the reception. The groomsmen could wear tuxedos sporting a Gamecock cummerbund and the groom’s cake would be in the shape of a football helmet.

I have not been asked again for my opinion nor allowed back into the house. I have also been threatened with imminent death if I do anything wedding related other than write checks and nod in agreement.

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